Coping on Christmas

As you already know I am the “‘jay’ in wunderland,” I’m only referred to by jay to a small few, a college fling, my mom on occasion, and an old pal from my RA days; but what you may not know is I suffer from depression, anxiety, and like many my age am incredible aware of others and aware of how I allow my defects to haunt me.

With this in mind, imagine me at christmas time.  Surrounded by friends and family and basically a statute. Unable to say much, because, you know, fearful of the response I’ll get or maybe not the responses but the looks and the attention. Do I even want this type of attention? Probably not. So I sit and I stare into space and I consider all the possible ‘normal’ things I could say that the won’t initiate everyone staring at me like an alien with 7 eyeballs.

I say very little and no one really notices, which leaves me more peculiar than ever. First, I wonder, am I hurt that no one even notices how uncomfortable I feel or look. Can everyone see how uncomfortable I feel. Is this normal? I can’t recall a christmas time event where I didnt feel like I showed up to a strangers’ celebration, so this must be normal. Right? Second, am I accomplished in what I sought out to do. I didn’t want the attention and i’m not getting the attention, but why am I feeling this way?

Oh yeah! It’s the anxiety, the uncertainty of my existence, and what I realized this holiday season is the way I experience anxiety is incredibly different from the way others articulate their experience. Which, of course, makes me feel even more inferior and alone.

Anxiety as defeined by urban dictionary (LOL), plagues the affected mind with depression, fear, and terrifying thoughts, which without reacealing too much, pretty much sums up a great deal of a day in my life. But somehow, I managed to make it through not one, but two days of Christmas festivities. I spent Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family and ended the night at a friends Noche Buena celebration and then spent Christmas Day with my mom's side of the family.

Now that Christmas has come and gone I am excited to share with you all how I made it through the holiday celebrations!

1. Find a friend or family member to stick with you through the event. Its a little less torturous if you have a friend along for the ride with you.

2. Breathe! No ones thinking about the random pimple on your forehead or that your shoes aren't the same shade of red as your holiday sweater.

3. Set out to have fun! If you focus on how you don't want to be present or how you can't wait to leave it will be much more of a burden to be there and time will pass much slower.

4. If you're of age, take a drink, but not too many! Everything seems a little less crazy and chaotic when youhave something in your system to get you out of your head for a bit.

5. And lastly know that the holidays will soon be over and you'll go back to your normal life before the added chaos.

With that in mind, Happy Holidays and I hope you are able to make through your holidays a lot better than I did! And one last thing, is the 26th too soon to take down Christmas decorations?

xo, jay.