Social Anxiety in the Social Outings Age

Firstly, I'd like to announce a series I plan to begin, #UnaskedInquiries based around the random questions I come up with regarding why I am the way I am and how I even got here. I know that the inner makings of every person is based on the things they have to overcome and grow from. #UnaskedInquiries will circle around my need to ask questions about where we find ourselves in everyday life that I am not always prepared to answer or even ask in most cases.

Secondly, am I the only one annoyed by my own downfalls? Lately my social anxiety has caused me a greater deal of struggles with every other thing that is not my anxiety in my life. My anxiety that went nameless for years continues to cause me limiting how present I can be in most relationships, that I have began to examine more and more present when it comes to social outings. 

This phrase, the social outing era, is probably unknown and something I feel like I completely made up, but ughh! Why are we all soo into social outings right now. I just can’t. I realize that at my prime, I glorified the conception that I was ‘soo’ busy.

Like no, sorry, I can’t make time to attend your awesomely groundbreaking event, I have this other equally groundbreaking (and in all honesty it wasn’t) event I committed too months ago.

But my pure enjoyment of the constant busy trope was definitely me tapping into my need to be wanted and needed by others, and more importantly to be deemed helping someone else.

Case and point, my prime = one of the more dark times of my life, but hey! That’s what college is for right??

I mention college because it was my time when I realized or was voluntold I needed counseling, in the nicest way you can imagine. And they were right, all three very omnipresent people in my life who stepped in and said ‘yeah, I know this girl, I care about her, I know she has some serious trauma and functions at an incredibly high rate, but damn, I know she needs someone to be an outlet for her.’ And with all these super encouraging words, I took my sad ass to counseling for the next two years until I graduated and damn I miss when I didn’t think about money before I thought about getting a check in on my mental health, but I realize I'm with hundreds of thousands of others in need who need help with this but im getting off topic here; but it’s important to note I'm almost two years post graduation, so there are two years of overly thought out societal pressures, expectations, and my personal doubts.

I am not writing this from the outside of the spectrum with some profound wisdom to say it gets better, which i’m really hoping it does, i’m simply writing this because I am suffering and only now realizing it.

My social anxiety hits me when it already hurts and it is incredibly unfair.. I can miss you having not seen you in months but presented with the option of a social outing I can agree but I know me, it will be day of that I realize how much I hate myself and think oh my god what if they hate me half as much, a intangible amount that is just too much and I can’t go. Whether it is a Christmas party with too many familiar eyes, a day out with the girls with an audience ill likely never see again, and even the great in-between. I am crippled by the thought of not being dressed appropriately and you’d hate me, or i’d feel uncomfortable in the environment and you hate me, or that I wouldn’t be the same person I was last time we’ve seen each other and you’d hate me.

I am soo afraid of you hating me, I rather sit at home hating me for not being strong enough.

To all my friends out there, I am sorry.