the run on sentence to last four months

It is safe to say in the last three months have been interested.

So lets be realistic a little more than three months ago the new year started and we all soo wanted to hit the ground running in being a better elf both inside and out but that is a whole lot easier said than done.

For me, a better me meant being more open in communicating, being a stricter practicing vegan, working out more frequently (& if weight loss comes with that great, if it doesn't I won't beat myself up for it), spending more time forming and nurturing connections with other, and intentional meditation.

Not a lot of anything too crazy but a good portion of it deals with improvement of old practices and not really adding to my life. This in itself is a form of self care; rather than putting strenuous amounts of pressure on myself learning how to do something while also learning to be super committed to it. I want to get back to the things I know I can do and just need more practice being committed to.

Personally the month of January I completely gave up before the first week finished. I worked out for most of the week, was meditating regularly, but I hadn't really dealt with my communication issues; they were just too much for me to deal with. I felt completely overwhelmed and unfocused, and the thought of exhausting myself and not feeling anymore relaxed, focused, or even rejuvenated which I was really hoping would come from this. This mental exhaustion combined with added responsibilities with my family, I gave up and come to terms with the fact that this journey for me was not meant to happen right now and oddly I was willing to give in. So I did.

At the time I wasn't employed and constantly going on interviews between chauffeuring my little brother between school, which did nothing but add to my stress; the meditation and exercise were not helping so I quit, in hindsight even in the present time I knew it wasn't the best decision and I knew it wouldn't help me further down the line but I felt stupid
1. You know when you do something, apologize for it, but it keeps coming back up.. yea, hi, its been at least a month and a half. Not to mention when I started this post there was a completely different plan for it and has now turned into a writing of me not being so happy and engulfing myself in the world of informative and entertaining podcasts.

Of my super unlucky luck, at the very point of my not feeling really secure in most of my relationships and more pointed my relationships with some of the most important people in my life, the women.

After a bout a week of 3-5 hours of podcast listening between drives to work and home, after lunch at work, and in the mundanes of life, there was an ever-present message, the importance of the female friendship and relationship.

I've spent weeks in miscommunication with my mother, serving as a messenger for my mother and grandmother to the point of exhaustion and accused collusion with each party by the opposing, and now I'm over it.

Being the messenger simply will not do for me, so I won't be.

I left them to mend their relationship on their own. their problems manifested on their own, so I didn't need to be the one to fix it for them. And now I am free. I am working towards freedom.

Isn't that funny? in the 21st century I am working towards freedom, I am no slave; but I am not free.

but these two women have crowded my life way too much, and from this point on I am not allowing the crowding, and in exchange I am making room for the relationships I care about.

Its now the end of April, when I started this it was early March, when I came back to it las it was late, on the cusp of April but not quite. Today I am finishing it.

so I'm done; I cannot focus on my lacking in substantial female relationships